Happy New Year!~ (5 days late)

and a bunch of randomness

I was telling steph how I despise girls who only blogs on their boy problems, like pages of entries on boy problems, and I stopped short remembering that's what steph's been doing too for the past er...9 months?

Haha, well looking at my own xanga was kind of a wake up call too. Though I haven't been blogging frequently and wasn't ranting on how I hate my love/sex life, doesn't mean I wasn't THINKING about it every single day. Cause I was kinda pathetic in that sense...my lack of blogging was kinda because I was too busy hating my own life....so I've come to realize. When I was happy and content in Washington last yr, I write like nobody's business.

2009 hasn't exactly been easy. LA has its ups and downs. I've changed so much and I know it. Everyone tells me that. Those who aren't close to me thinks I'm only interested in partying, doing drugs, hangs out with a group of crazy people, neglecting old friends. I can't explain most of what I've been going thru, only thing I know is my perspectives in ALOT of things have changed.

I like doing different things now. I stopped drinking beer and switched to vodka/whiskey. Doesn't mean I'm an alcoholic just because I've abandoned a lighter liquor. Going to clubs every week is probably too much for alot of people, but it is what me and my friends like to do. Doesn't make us slores. I am my own example, I was very misguided by people's comments on how one of my best girl friends now is a slore, but getting to know her this few months, she really has one of the best personalities I've ever encountered so far. Why do I travel all the way to alhambra every weekend?great question. In the beginning I thought it was because of a guy there that drives me to plead for rides from Santa Monica. After he left, there's still a drive that makes me wanna go there. Because they're like family. I feel comfortable to be myself there. We don't exactly act like family, but we bond with each other like family does. Am I sounding emo and cheesy? It is really like the saying Don't judge a book by its cover. So don't put your opinions on us based on what you've heard or even what you see. I love my SMC friends even tho I see them less and less, they're the people who started my life in LA, I get upset when they say things like...oh so when're u gonna transfer to PCC and move to alhambra....they're just joking (hopefully) I know, but it just goes to show how much I've been a disappointment. This will be one of my new year resolutions.

People who have read this far are prolly only those who really cares about me now...and I think I can count them out...

Sigh, another year of climbing up a steep rocky mountain. I know I'm supposed to face this with my armour and shield with me already but somehow, a sense of apprehension clouds inside my massive whirl of thoughts as I realize how much I have to juggle and balance around with.

It's 2010 already I don't feel the magic yet but well, New Years ain't supposed to be magical in the first place.

2010 spells challenge.
2010 means having faith.
2010 is demanding.
2010 is about determination.
2010 means sacrifice.
2010 means time is never on my side.
2010, is the chance for me to step up and be happy again.

Happy 2010 :)

I'm not gonna pretend I'm not upset or pissed or hurt.

But there's nothing I could do about it.

So I'm gonna wish you happiness and wait for mine to come, and hopefully we could talk again if I'm not asking for too much.

Very very sleep deprived.

Can't wait for this to be over.

Hate finals

of love and pain

Something always brings me back to you.
But, I don't wanna go there again.
Guess our timings never sync-ed once.

so it wasn't as bad as I anticipated it would be. no tears. no drama. just pure pain and disappointment.

I did thought I was special in some ways. well now I know that was all bullshit, or at least whatever place you had for me is all gone. replaced.

I can't miss anything. How can one miss what she's never had and reminisce when there is no past. How could my mind pull up incidents, recall dates and times that never happened.

easy for you to start anew, while I'm stuck with everything that reminds me of you. fuck. did that just rhymed?

no complains. only hoping for a better luck.

and this is how the story ends,

I'm a person who cares too much what people say, even if it means zilch, I get offended. When I stand up for myself,  it often fell on dead ears, the jokes carried on, hurtful lines kept replaying. I hate the hypocrisy I carry around sometimes. But if that protects me, that's fine with me. If I have to resort to scheming/manipulative ends, I'll do it without feeling a tad sorry for them or myself, cause I dont get anything out of it except paying them in their own coins.

Ever felt paranoid about the moment you turn your back, they are actually jeering and bitching about you?or the worst scenario whereby they're exchanging glances right in front of your face?giving each other the 'see what I told u about her' look. Or even times they just dont care and openly bitch about u and u have to hear the cold hard truth with your own ears.

It's not that I'ver never attempted to be the ideal good friend and try to bury past conflicts. But this has come to a stage, whereby doubts pile up so high, too high to ignore. To the stage where my last nerve has been plucked. I hate the idea of us hiding behind this monitor screen and posting malicious statements about each other.

It's high time I've learned to start surrounding myself with people that actually cares. Only through hard ways, people learn.

I'm so plagued with fatigue I'm feeling rather cranky. I really hope I'd survive the week, with exams everyday and more.. It's crazy I'm literally pushing myself to my limits this week.